


our hill of stars

by make_your_user_a_name



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (Not Overt), (but like as in post 15.18 where dean rescued cas), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Established Relationship, Holidays, Hot Cocoa, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Husbands, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Dean Winchester, Sharing a Bed, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28368531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/make_your_user_a_name/pseuds/make_your_user_a_name
Summary: There was a shiver behind him and he turned his head quickly to see Cas’ eyes shifting behind tightly shut lids, his chest rising and falling rapidly beneath the covers.“Shit,” he muttered, immediately trying to turn to wake Cas. Not that it normally worked. Cas would appear to be awake, his thoughts coming out in jumbled, fractured sentences, and in the morning he would remember none of it.Sometimes, though, Dean could actually wake him up.As he tried to turn, Cas’ arm tightened around him like a vice, holding him in place.“Cas,” he whispered urgently.Cas was whimpering now, sounding so fucking afraid that Dean felt as though a physical blade had been rammed into his heart.“Cas,” he said again, louder this time.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 12
Kudos: 185





	our hill of stars

He was warm. Impossibly warm. His husband was wrapped around him and the heavy weight of their blankets pushed him further into the mattress. 

Cas’ arm pressed against his chest and it was harder to draw air but he didn’t care because every breath filled him with the smell of Cas. Cas, who was human now. Cas who was sweet and awkward and nerdy and commanding and perfect. Cas, who was _his_. 

He laughed softly in disbelief at the idea, careful not to wake Cas. The word husband still sounded weird on his tongue. Ten years ago if someone had walked into his life and told him he would have a husband in the future he woulda shot them point blank.

And if someone had told his dad that… 

No. He wasn’t ever thinking about his father again. Fuck that. He’d dealt with the scars and hurt and everything firmly ingrained into him with every blow for years and now it was finally, blessedly, in the past. As in the past as it ever would be, anyway. 

There was a shiver behind him and he turned his head quickly to see Cas’ eyes shifting behind tightly shut lids, his chest rising and falling rapidly beneath the covers. 

“Shit,” he muttered, immediately trying to turn to wake Cas. Not that it normally worked. Cas would appear to be awake, his thoughts coming out in jumbled, fractured sentences, and in the morning he would remember none of it. 

Sometimes, though, Dean could actually wake him up.

As he tried to turn, Cas’ arm tightened around him like a vice, holding him in place. 

“Cas,” he whispered urgently. 

Cas was whimpering now, sounding so fucking afraid that Dean felt as though a physical blade had been rammed into his heart. 

“Cas,” he said again, louder this time. 

The arm around him loosened slightly and he pushed it off of him entirely, climbing out of the bed and practically sprinting around it so he could reach Cas’ other side. 

“Cas, angel, please I need you to wake up,” he whispered into Cas’ ear, shaking him slightly. It never worked when he was violent. As much as he wanted to shake Cas until he snapped out of it, shout at him until he came back to him, it never accomplished anything. All that got him was a bruised jaw and a tearful, regretful husband the next morning. 

“No, don’t- don’t take him,” Cas mumbled, writhing on the bed. 

“Cas,” Dean whispered against his ear, panic mounting in his chest. It never got easier, seeing him like this. It probably never would. 

“Please, I need- I’m-” Cas’ breaths came faster now, the sound of them filling the room. 

“It’s okay, angel. I’m here,” Dean muttered, arms now tight around Cas even at risk of being hurt. Their faces were pressed together and Dean could feel the slick tracks of tears, but he wasn’t sure if they were from him or Cas. Or both. 

“Wake up, Cas,” he tried again, his voice strained and desperate. 

Cas didn’t stop shaking but his movements slowed somewhat as his breathing fell. Dean could almost hear his own heart pounding in his throat as helplessness settled over him. 

Then, without warning, Cas sat up. 

Dean jerked back and then came to meet his eyes, afraid he would get that glassy faux-lucid look that Cas got whenever these episodes hit. 

But he didn’t. He was greeted with wide, fearful eyes that darted around rapidly, taking in his surroundings.

He cupped Cas’ face in his hands and turned his eyes to meet his own, drowning out everything else. 

“It’s okay, angel. We’re here. I’m okay. You’re okay.” He repeated the words over and over. For minutes. Waiting until Cas could ground himself, caught in the knowledge that there was nothing he could do except hold his breath and repeat those words until they sounded hollow. 

After what felt like an eternity, Cas breathed a single word, causing the spillway to break in Dean’s heart and relief to flood his body. 

“Dean.” 

“That’s right sweetheart,” he murmured, pressing a kiss into Cas’ hair. 

“Can we go outside?” The words were barely a whisper, but Dean had been expecting them. Whenever he was able to wake Cas from something like this, they always went outside. Went out and looked at the stars, curled together for warmth. 

“Of course. I’m going to make you something first, though, okay? Do you want to come with me or do you want to meet me out there?” 

Cas’ eyes shone in the dark and Dean watched his throat move as he gulped, his hands tightening on Dean’s shirt. “Can you stay with me?” 

“Of course,” he said again. “Are you ready now? We can stay here for a minute if you need to.” He kept his voice low and soothing, looking into Cas’ eyes for any sign of fear or rejection, any sign that he wasn’t really here. 

Cas’ face formed a half-smile and he pressed a quick kiss against Dean’s lips. “I’m ready.” 

He could still feel him quivering slightly beneath his arms, but Dean nodded. He stood without taking his arms from around Cas, then guided him through the halls of the small cottage to the kitchen. 

“You know what you’ve never tried?” he asked, his tone lighter than before but still gentle, each word carefully weighed. 

Cas just hummed in response, leaning into Dean for support. 

“Hot chocolate.” 

He felt Cas shake his head against his shoulder and he pulled him closer. 

“I know I told you it’s a shit drink that’s a weak replacement for coffee,” he went on, grateful for Cas’ responses to his words, desperate to fill his mind with something other than the memory that had overpowered him, “but I might have been lying. It’s actually pretty damn good. And since Christmas is coming up soon I bought some.” 

He rambled on the whole time he prepared the drink. Boiling water over the stove and ripping apart the hot chocolate packets. Laughing at himself as he ripped the perforation attaching two of them and sent brown powder spilling over the floor. Assuring Cas he would clean it up in the morning. Mixing the water in with a soft smile on his face. 

Cas watched him the whole time, sitting on the counter with his legs dangling over the side. Occasionally he would reach for Dean, wanting to touch him, to make sure he was real. 

Each time he did, Dean squeezed his hand tightly, came and stood next to him, smoothing his hair until Cas smiled at him and nodded. 

It hurt to see him like this. Dean never let it show. But in these quiet, dark, mornings, to see his badass, terrifying husband stripped of all that in face of the horrors they had been through… it unsettled him. 

He didn’t think Cas was weak, of course. These weren’t his fault and he was fucking strong for fighting them. But he couldn’t deny it scared him. To be so helpless when all he wanted to do was help Cas. When all he wanted to do was punch whoever was responsible. 

He sighed deeply before turning back and smiling brightly at Cas, handing him the drink. 

“Want to go outside?” 

Cas nodded mutely and set the hot chocolate on the counter before hopping down. He took Dean’s hand in his and led him out to the balcony overlooking the small lake. 

It was a quiet, clear night, and the air was chilly around them as they stepped out. Dean leaned over the railing, his arm still tightly around Cas, and looked up at the bright stars. Imagined himself soaring through them, Cas by his side, no problems and no worries. 

That would be no life, though. Life was life because of all the intricacies, all the hurt, all the pain. That’s what made the peace possible. Life was theirs, now. Because of everything they’d been through. There was no Chuck anymore, no cosmic plan, fate they couldn’t escape. All their suffering, all their fear, all their worry, all their love and joy and pride was just _theirs_ to have. 

Cas unlinked his arms from Dean’s and reached for the discarded hot chocolate sitting on the banister. He took a sip as Dean watched the steam from the cocoa rise into the cosmos, finding freedom in the stars. 

“Like it?” he asked gently. 

Cas nodded as a smile spread over his face and Dean widened his eyes in mock surprise. 

“Not more than coffee?” he said, every word exaggerated but still soft, his eyes still crinkling at the corners. 

“Yes, more than coffee,” Cas said quietly. 

Dean reached over a hand and ruffled it through his hair, careful to watch Cas for any sign of flinching, any sign that he needed to be left untouched. But Cas leaned into it, his eyes dark even as his body relaxed, finally not shaking anymore. 

“And I like you more than both,” Cas added seriously. 

“You too, angel,” Dean said, letting the ball of emotions vibrating in his chest come undone and seep through him, love for Cas radiating so powerful he wondered why it wasn’t visible. “You too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading loves :) i'm on [tumblr](https://tearsofgrace.tumblr.com/) too!


End file.
